jeudi 30 avril

I thought seen as how I have an hour to kill, and that the thought of finishing off assignments doesn't really appeal to me when I have a headache I thought I might as well jot down some of my silly, wondering thoughts.
Last night I found out that Megan’s best friend Sonia passed away. For some reason it’s really gotten to me. I guess the main reasons it has is because how many people I now know that have passed away because of cancer. Its like finding out you have cancer is a death sentence! It just seems unfair. Especially seen as how theyre able to find different ways to build bigger skyscrapers, new ways of enhancing life but cannot find the cure for cancer! It just seems so stupid!
Last night when I went to bed the faces of Robbo, Tamara, Julie and Sonia kept running through my head. It seriously felt like I was going crazy. And then my dreams were so terrifying… the dreams were mainly of ghosts and scary faces… so basically I feel dead today because i got little sleep and the sleep I got was fair crap!! 
Im really looking forward to tonight where I can just crash in front of the T.V with dave and not have to think about anything!! Probably see us falling asleep early as usual though. But it doesn't matter cause we should be spending tomorrow together :D
Looking up I see a poster saying “what good is faith?” ironic don't you think? Right now I really don't know if I faith in life… I know that seems really emo or whatever, but its true. Its hard to stay positive day after day when things like this happen to good people!
My attention span is about 5 mins right now… grr
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired!

loving mondays

Ok so my attention span is lasting about 10 minutes today. I have 3 hours to kill, and I have no idea how I’m going to last. For some reason I am really tired today. This is something I don’t really understand… it’s like I haven’t slept (though I did get a few hours sleep last night) and my mind is heaps foggy. Every time I try and sit down and read through notes, or do some work my mind just freezes type thing, or just goes blank. I think I am exhausted. The past few months have really taken it out of me, I think a week off wasn’t long enough. I know I could have stayed so much longer down in Narooma. It is almost like a person wanting to escape something, like smoking pot to escape life- I escaped to Narooma, and now I have had that taste of it I want more. I constantly want to escape- I feel trapped.

Today in philosophy we were talking about freedom, and what is to classed as free. I guess in my world I don’t feel free. If I was free I would be able to live the way in which I want. To wake up each day next to a certain someone, be able to casually do things like uni and art etc and not have to do all this rushing and travelling around. Maybe that is why I enjoyed Narooma so much, I could do what I pleased- I went with my desires- I was free for a weekend.

In French today I was doodling on a piece of paper- bad move if you want to do work by the way- and I wrote “utopia” which is one of my favourite words. Gemma was sitting next to me and she saw what I was writing and she said

“ohh, Utopia can never exist; my ideal world is different to what another person’s idealistic world would be.”

It really got me thinking (and today, that’s a big effort!) about what my Utopia would be. One main thing would be that people would have to be honest. When I told Gemma that she asked me what exactly would people be honest about and how honest would they be? If everyone told the truth- “but what is truth?” sigh- kept what other people told them to their selves, and didn’t lie, cheat or steal would we be able to exist? In an idealistic world there would be no bad; no death, no hurt, no pain etc. but you can not have ‘good’ without the ‘bad’. So if everyone was honest and trustworthy would people still be able to live; you are taking the bad away therefore the good would not exist. (The continuing cycle don’t you think?)

If for example I told someone I trust a personal detail of myself- something I would not want other people to know and I ask them not to tell others I am putting my faith in them not to tell. So what if I could always rely on the fact that they would not tell another living soul? What if that was a “social norm”? Yes, I suppose that in reality we are convinced that it is a social norm. That being honest, fair and just should be a part of our lives. We are taught that from an early age in our society, but does it mean it really exists?

Easter 09

ok, well i had the most awesome weekend ever. i went down to Narooma with Dave and his parents. i was kind of anxious about going too, because one. me and dave had a huge argument on wednesday night which i thought would make the weekend awful (but it didnt) two. i thought things with his parents would be weird. and they were kinda i guess but mostly it didnt bother me.
the weather was great, not exactly hot but it was comfortable.



Friday:
after having brekkie, we went for a drive to a beach (i have no idea of the name) it was beautiful. me and dave sat on a cliff for a little while talking and laying watching the clouds. it was so peaceful.
went for a long drive too (felt so queezy!)
lazying around the cabin in the afternoon, doing some art, going for a walk with dave :D soo relaxing!
me and dave actually slept in the same bed!! we were both so nervous cause we thought we'd get seperated... i got a feeling they ignored us... lol



saturday:
went for a long drive again... went to Cobargo which was so beautiful. dave got some new boots *rolls eyes*
i dont think ive ever done so much walking as i did that day lol.
after having a snooze me and dave went for a walk around the inlet, took some photos and went up to a lookout just up the road from the caravan park.

ended up sleeping in seperate beds lol couldnt handle his snoring!!

sunday:
EASTER!! the best day of all :D we went for a huge long walk yet again lol this time out to the rocks which was beautiful. dave actually got me to face one of my fears... heights! i dont think ive ever had my legs shake sooo much!!
went for yet another drive for lunch, went to the most gawgess little lolly shop. saw some beautiful wood works :D (very expensive)
stayed up late into the night talking, had a best deep and meaningfuls with dave. mainly about religion and after life. he told me some stories from when he was younger. was so comfortable just sitting there chatting (or whispering lol)

monday:
worst day of the week, had to come home :( we both got fairly depressed because we didnt want the weekend to end. cause it meant that we had to come back to reality.
stopped in sussex for lunch. i slept the whole way home :D
ended up falling asleep watching shrek on daves bed, and his mum came in angerily and told him to get up :S and she ended up getting the shits for some reason, so at 10.30 at night i decided id go home :( i hated driving away from dave, he looked so upset.

today:
i went up to shellharbour square and brought some really nice candles and insense stuff, and some nice underwear :P spend about $60 and got two sets :D i thought that was pretty good. i was planning on doing a really nice romantic evening with dave, but hes still got the grumps and is tired :( so i guess thats gonna be put on hold.

anyway that was my easter :D