New journey

Looking back through my posts i realize one thing... this blog has kind of turned into a diary type thing. not quite sure if that's how i wanted it to be but i guess that happens.
Well even though I've had this year off uni I'm still a uni student :P so i might as well keep typing posts in this blog. I'm going to try and write more. i think it really helps me when i randomly blurt out some of my thoughts to an unknown source= such as a blog. Sort of like spring cleaning my mind...

OK first of all I'm about to start on a new chapter of my life- I'm going to be a mum. something i am very anxious and excited about. especially since I'm going to be doing it as a single mum. One of the reasons i am so anxious about it is the stigma that is still attached to single mums. the other night i was thinking about other peoples opinions on the situation. i have my parents who are in full support of it, thus a little disappointed but still supportive non-the-less. i have friends such as shelby, candice, daniel etc that are thrilled by the idea of a baby in their friendship group. though I'm still a bit weary of their actual opinions I'm just guessing by their reactions and questions as to what it is. then there are certain people who say they are here for me etc but i haven't heard from in months and months... even when there is opportunities to talk to me. i understand people have their own lives, the past month or two i basically have done just that- lived my own little life. hardly see anyone just bum around the house, or do my own thing. which is something i prefer to do then go out and socialize. but the thought comes into my head that maybe they do have an issue with me being pregnant. i remember a friend telling me that there is no "accidents" with becoming pregnant. that things happen and you do have control over it- such as contraceptives etc, and this was coming from a person i haven't heard from in months. the idea that single mum living in Albion park (the reputation of being the "bogan" town...) kind of has a stigma towards it. Almost like a "trashy" type of thing to do, i have got this hanging over my head. i haven't yet heard that many negative things towards the situation i am in, but the thought still crosses my mind. the same emotion gets to me every time i think of it; its anger and defensiveness. i am over joyed by what is happening, i love the idea of becoming a mum i always have had what people would call the motherly instinct. but to have people see it as a negative is hard to deal with... like someone telling me "you should of got rid of it!" it is like a stab in the heart.

OK, now Ive rambled on about that enough the next thing which is one thing this blog is about- UNI. i am planning to go back to uni next year. continue doing Philosophy and finish my degree so i can do primary education at the end. (here's to being at uni for another like 5 years WOOT!) having a child and going to uni is going to be interesting. I'm not sure how things are going to go, i know its never going to be easy but I'm wanting to enjoy it. Ive missed uni so much this year but i know i could not handle going this year. being so sick at the beginning and so tired the last few months i wouldn't have handled the constant strain of uni. but i don't care about this for next year- i am going back! every time i try and think about how i can organise it so i still spend time with my own child and go to uni at the same time kind of gets my heart racing... i want to be able to be a good mum and live my life at the same time. i know it can be done- but getting other people to agree to what i am doing is difficult. depending on how things are going i am wanting to be able to take bubs to uni with me. at least then ill have constant company :P seen as how last year i spend hours at a time by myself doing nothing i think it will work. during lectures etc i think i will be able to keep bubs with me.

i guess ill see how things go.

jeudi 30 avril

I thought seen as how I have an hour to kill, and that the thought of finishing off assignments doesn't really appeal to me when I have a headache I thought I might as well jot down some of my silly, wondering thoughts.
Last night I found out that Megan’s best friend Sonia passed away. For some reason it’s really gotten to me. I guess the main reasons it has is because how many people I now know that have passed away because of cancer. Its like finding out you have cancer is a death sentence! It just seems unfair. Especially seen as how theyre able to find different ways to build bigger skyscrapers, new ways of enhancing life but cannot find the cure for cancer! It just seems so stupid!
Last night when I went to bed the faces of Robbo, Tamara, Julie and Sonia kept running through my head. It seriously felt like I was going crazy. And then my dreams were so terrifying… the dreams were mainly of ghosts and scary faces… so basically I feel dead today because i got little sleep and the sleep I got was fair crap!! 
Im really looking forward to tonight where I can just crash in front of the T.V with dave and not have to think about anything!! Probably see us falling asleep early as usual though. But it doesn't matter cause we should be spending tomorrow together :D
Looking up I see a poster saying “what good is faith?” ironic don't you think? Right now I really don't know if I faith in life… I know that seems really emo or whatever, but its true. Its hard to stay positive day after day when things like this happen to good people!
My attention span is about 5 mins right now… grr
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired!

loving mondays

Ok so my attention span is lasting about 10 minutes today. I have 3 hours to kill, and I have no idea how I’m going to last. For some reason I am really tired today. This is something I don’t really understand… it’s like I haven’t slept (though I did get a few hours sleep last night) and my mind is heaps foggy. Every time I try and sit down and read through notes, or do some work my mind just freezes type thing, or just goes blank. I think I am exhausted. The past few months have really taken it out of me, I think a week off wasn’t long enough. I know I could have stayed so much longer down in Narooma. It is almost like a person wanting to escape something, like smoking pot to escape life- I escaped to Narooma, and now I have had that taste of it I want more. I constantly want to escape- I feel trapped.

Today in philosophy we were talking about freedom, and what is to classed as free. I guess in my world I don’t feel free. If I was free I would be able to live the way in which I want. To wake up each day next to a certain someone, be able to casually do things like uni and art etc and not have to do all this rushing and travelling around. Maybe that is why I enjoyed Narooma so much, I could do what I pleased- I went with my desires- I was free for a weekend.

In French today I was doodling on a piece of paper- bad move if you want to do work by the way- and I wrote “utopia” which is one of my favourite words. Gemma was sitting next to me and she saw what I was writing and she said

“ohh, Utopia can never exist; my ideal world is different to what another person’s idealistic world would be.”

It really got me thinking (and today, that’s a big effort!) about what my Utopia would be. One main thing would be that people would have to be honest. When I told Gemma that she asked me what exactly would people be honest about and how honest would they be? If everyone told the truth- “but what is truth?” sigh- kept what other people told them to their selves, and didn’t lie, cheat or steal would we be able to exist? In an idealistic world there would be no bad; no death, no hurt, no pain etc. but you can not have ‘good’ without the ‘bad’. So if everyone was honest and trustworthy would people still be able to live; you are taking the bad away therefore the good would not exist. (The continuing cycle don’t you think?)

If for example I told someone I trust a personal detail of myself- something I would not want other people to know and I ask them not to tell others I am putting my faith in them not to tell. So what if I could always rely on the fact that they would not tell another living soul? What if that was a “social norm”? Yes, I suppose that in reality we are convinced that it is a social norm. That being honest, fair and just should be a part of our lives. We are taught that from an early age in our society, but does it mean it really exists?

Easter 09

ok, well i had the most awesome weekend ever. i went down to Narooma with Dave and his parents. i was kind of anxious about going too, because one. me and dave had a huge argument on wednesday night which i thought would make the weekend awful (but it didnt) two. i thought things with his parents would be weird. and they were kinda i guess but mostly it didnt bother me.
the weather was great, not exactly hot but it was comfortable.



Friday:
after having brekkie, we went for a drive to a beach (i have no idea of the name) it was beautiful. me and dave sat on a cliff for a little while talking and laying watching the clouds. it was so peaceful.
went for a long drive too (felt so queezy!)
lazying around the cabin in the afternoon, doing some art, going for a walk with dave :D soo relaxing!
me and dave actually slept in the same bed!! we were both so nervous cause we thought we'd get seperated... i got a feeling they ignored us... lol



saturday:
went for a long drive again... went to Cobargo which was so beautiful. dave got some new boots *rolls eyes*
i dont think ive ever done so much walking as i did that day lol.
after having a snooze me and dave went for a walk around the inlet, took some photos and went up to a lookout just up the road from the caravan park.

ended up sleeping in seperate beds lol couldnt handle his snoring!!

sunday:
EASTER!! the best day of all :D we went for a huge long walk yet again lol this time out to the rocks which was beautiful. dave actually got me to face one of my fears... heights! i dont think ive ever had my legs shake sooo much!!
went for yet another drive for lunch, went to the most gawgess little lolly shop. saw some beautiful wood works :D (very expensive)
stayed up late into the night talking, had a best deep and meaningfuls with dave. mainly about religion and after life. he told me some stories from when he was younger. was so comfortable just sitting there chatting (or whispering lol)

monday:
worst day of the week, had to come home :( we both got fairly depressed because we didnt want the weekend to end. cause it meant that we had to come back to reality.
stopped in sussex for lunch. i slept the whole way home :D
ended up falling asleep watching shrek on daves bed, and his mum came in angerily and told him to get up :S and she ended up getting the shits for some reason, so at 10.30 at night i decided id go home :( i hated driving away from dave, he looked so upset.

today:
i went up to shellharbour square and brought some really nice candles and insense stuff, and some nice underwear :P spend about $60 and got two sets :D i thought that was pretty good. i was planning on doing a really nice romantic evening with dave, but hes still got the grumps and is tired :( so i guess thats gonna be put on hold.

anyway that was my easter :D

depression leads to reality

ok not many people would know this, because its not really an obvious thing. i have depression. usually i dont like to label things like that but ive come to realise that its true. i think when people say that depression is all in the mind in a way theyre being truthful, but not in the way they think. i really do think depression is a disease, and one that is really hard to overcome. with diseases like cancer and things like that you can get medication, and stuff like that to get better. but depression is a little difficult. there is medication like anti-depressants but truthfully having been through having the medication... they dont really do all that much. theyre like a bandaid kind of thing. they patch it up until you can deal with it. dont get me wrong going on them last year was the best thing i did. i dont know how i woulda coped without them. but now... especially with uni i cant do it.
anyway. what i was getting around to, is that yesterday i think i got to the lowest a person should go... i didnt get out of bed all day, i drank (stuff what people say drinking sometimes helps!!) and i think i slept more in one day then i have in months... mainly to get my mind away from everything.
talking to a lady that comes in to work often bec, i realised one thing. that most things take one year to truely move on from. and most of my "issues" are from this time last year. so even though it really hurts to remember them, i think i can offically move on from them. the insecurities i feel with dave will always be there, i think he's insane to be with me. that im pretty messed up person, and always will be. but i love him to bits and i couldnt imagine if i lost him. telling bec about him she recons im so lucky to have such a wonderful guy (a rare thing she says)
anyway enough rambling for today my minds about to burst.


i will never drink again urghhhh

paramore

I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on

So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on.

This is an emergency
So are you listening?

And I can't pretend that I don't see this

It's really not your fault
That no one cares to talk about it,
Talk about it

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
(When it deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive

So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again

I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency

And you do your best to show me love,
but you don't know what love is.

So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

Well I can't pretend that I don't see this

It's really not your fault
That no one cares to talk about it,
Talk about it

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
(When it deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive

These scars, they will not fade away.

No one cares to talk about it, talk about it

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
(When it deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive

running from reality

lately the idea of running has been constantly on my mind. i think the idea of escaping reality is appealing to me at the moment, because to face reality is the real challenge. if you sit down and think of all the challenges you are faced with in every day life, you start to wonder what the use of it all is. but i think without these challenges you can never grow, never develop who you are. right now i think of myself as a timid little being that hasnt grown into my full potential. i know i can be happy. i know i can be "sucessful" etc, but the whole problem is to do so i must find the confidence within myself.
i said to someone i want to be happy for them and its true. i think to be happy for oneself is great and all, i think to be happy for yourself should be one initiative. but for me my family and friends are what makes me happy. if things are going right in my life its all well and good, but for things to be well for those around me i think that is what truely makes me happy. its like the whole cycle thing, if im happy but those around me arent then i become unhappy. so i think my happiness comes from others. if i was able to get away and make myself better then i would... trust me its something i really want. but what about when i get back? will i be able to handle things better? i know quite a few people would probably say yes i would be able to cause i have a clearer head. reality will still be there, no matter how much i try and escape it. and the more i do try and escape it the worse off i am. like once ive had a taste of it ill want it more.

a saying ive found is :
"i dont run away from a challenge because i am afraid. instead i run towards it because the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath your foot" - nadia comaneci.
and i guess the past few months ive been trying to do that. that i face things instead of turning and running because im sick of being that person. but i am human sometimes i do get overwhelmed, and yesterday i did that. i "gave in" and wanted to bail. i even came close to packing up the car and driving and never stopping. instead i drove to shellharbour harbour and sat there for over an hour and i came to one conclusion:

i dont want to be this person anymore.

i dont want to be the person that is depressed, and that gets overwhelmed. i need to be organised and in control. and im determined to do so.

im determined to stay because thats the real challenge, running is the easy option!!