jeudi 30 avril

I thought seen as how I have an hour to kill, and that the thought of finishing off assignments doesn't really appeal to me when I have a headache I thought I might as well jot down some of my silly, wondering thoughts.
Last night I found out that Megan’s best friend Sonia passed away. For some reason it’s really gotten to me. I guess the main reasons it has is because how many people I now know that have passed away because of cancer. Its like finding out you have cancer is a death sentence! It just seems unfair. Especially seen as how theyre able to find different ways to build bigger skyscrapers, new ways of enhancing life but cannot find the cure for cancer! It just seems so stupid!
Last night when I went to bed the faces of Robbo, Tamara, Julie and Sonia kept running through my head. It seriously felt like I was going crazy. And then my dreams were so terrifying… the dreams were mainly of ghosts and scary faces… so basically I feel dead today because i got little sleep and the sleep I got was fair crap!! 
Im really looking forward to tonight where I can just crash in front of the T.V with dave and not have to think about anything!! Probably see us falling asleep early as usual though. But it doesn't matter cause we should be spending tomorrow together :D
Looking up I see a poster saying “what good is faith?” ironic don't you think? Right now I really don't know if I faith in life… I know that seems really emo or whatever, but its true. Its hard to stay positive day after day when things like this happen to good people!
My attention span is about 5 mins right now… grr
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired!

loving mondays

Ok so my attention span is lasting about 10 minutes today. I have 3 hours to kill, and I have no idea how I’m going to last. For some reason I am really tired today. This is something I don’t really understand… it’s like I haven’t slept (though I did get a few hours sleep last night) and my mind is heaps foggy. Every time I try and sit down and read through notes, or do some work my mind just freezes type thing, or just goes blank. I think I am exhausted. The past few months have really taken it out of me, I think a week off wasn’t long enough. I know I could have stayed so much longer down in Narooma. It is almost like a person wanting to escape something, like smoking pot to escape life- I escaped to Narooma, and now I have had that taste of it I want more. I constantly want to escape- I feel trapped.

Today in philosophy we were talking about freedom, and what is to classed as free. I guess in my world I don’t feel free. If I was free I would be able to live the way in which I want. To wake up each day next to a certain someone, be able to casually do things like uni and art etc and not have to do all this rushing and travelling around. Maybe that is why I enjoyed Narooma so much, I could do what I pleased- I went with my desires- I was free for a weekend.

In French today I was doodling on a piece of paper- bad move if you want to do work by the way- and I wrote “utopia” which is one of my favourite words. Gemma was sitting next to me and she saw what I was writing and she said

“ohh, Utopia can never exist; my ideal world is different to what another person’s idealistic world would be.”

It really got me thinking (and today, that’s a big effort!) about what my Utopia would be. One main thing would be that people would have to be honest. When I told Gemma that she asked me what exactly would people be honest about and how honest would they be? If everyone told the truth- “but what is truth?” sigh- kept what other people told them to their selves, and didn’t lie, cheat or steal would we be able to exist? In an idealistic world there would be no bad; no death, no hurt, no pain etc. but you can not have ‘good’ without the ‘bad’. So if everyone was honest and trustworthy would people still be able to live; you are taking the bad away therefore the good would not exist. (The continuing cycle don’t you think?)

If for example I told someone I trust a personal detail of myself- something I would not want other people to know and I ask them not to tell others I am putting my faith in them not to tell. So what if I could always rely on the fact that they would not tell another living soul? What if that was a “social norm”? Yes, I suppose that in reality we are convinced that it is a social norm. That being honest, fair and just should be a part of our lives. We are taught that from an early age in our society, but does it mean it really exists?

Easter 09

ok, well i had the most awesome weekend ever. i went down to Narooma with Dave and his parents. i was kind of anxious about going too, because one. me and dave had a huge argument on wednesday night which i thought would make the weekend awful (but it didnt) two. i thought things with his parents would be weird. and they were kinda i guess but mostly it didnt bother me.
the weather was great, not exactly hot but it was comfortable.



Friday:
after having brekkie, we went for a drive to a beach (i have no idea of the name) it was beautiful. me and dave sat on a cliff for a little while talking and laying watching the clouds. it was so peaceful.
went for a long drive too (felt so queezy!)
lazying around the cabin in the afternoon, doing some art, going for a walk with dave :D soo relaxing!
me and dave actually slept in the same bed!! we were both so nervous cause we thought we'd get seperated... i got a feeling they ignored us... lol



saturday:
went for a long drive again... went to Cobargo which was so beautiful. dave got some new boots *rolls eyes*
i dont think ive ever done so much walking as i did that day lol.
after having a snooze me and dave went for a walk around the inlet, took some photos and went up to a lookout just up the road from the caravan park.

ended up sleeping in seperate beds lol couldnt handle his snoring!!

sunday:
EASTER!! the best day of all :D we went for a huge long walk yet again lol this time out to the rocks which was beautiful. dave actually got me to face one of my fears... heights! i dont think ive ever had my legs shake sooo much!!
went for yet another drive for lunch, went to the most gawgess little lolly shop. saw some beautiful wood works :D (very expensive)
stayed up late into the night talking, had a best deep and meaningfuls with dave. mainly about religion and after life. he told me some stories from when he was younger. was so comfortable just sitting there chatting (or whispering lol)

monday:
worst day of the week, had to come home :( we both got fairly depressed because we didnt want the weekend to end. cause it meant that we had to come back to reality.
stopped in sussex for lunch. i slept the whole way home :D
ended up falling asleep watching shrek on daves bed, and his mum came in angerily and told him to get up :S and she ended up getting the shits for some reason, so at 10.30 at night i decided id go home :( i hated driving away from dave, he looked so upset.

today:
i went up to shellharbour square and brought some really nice candles and insense stuff, and some nice underwear :P spend about $60 and got two sets :D i thought that was pretty good. i was planning on doing a really nice romantic evening with dave, but hes still got the grumps and is tired :( so i guess thats gonna be put on hold.

anyway that was my easter :D

depression leads to reality

ok not many people would know this, because its not really an obvious thing. i have depression. usually i dont like to label things like that but ive come to realise that its true. i think when people say that depression is all in the mind in a way theyre being truthful, but not in the way they think. i really do think depression is a disease, and one that is really hard to overcome. with diseases like cancer and things like that you can get medication, and stuff like that to get better. but depression is a little difficult. there is medication like anti-depressants but truthfully having been through having the medication... they dont really do all that much. theyre like a bandaid kind of thing. they patch it up until you can deal with it. dont get me wrong going on them last year was the best thing i did. i dont know how i woulda coped without them. but now... especially with uni i cant do it.
anyway. what i was getting around to, is that yesterday i think i got to the lowest a person should go... i didnt get out of bed all day, i drank (stuff what people say drinking sometimes helps!!) and i think i slept more in one day then i have in months... mainly to get my mind away from everything.
talking to a lady that comes in to work often bec, i realised one thing. that most things take one year to truely move on from. and most of my "issues" are from this time last year. so even though it really hurts to remember them, i think i can offically move on from them. the insecurities i feel with dave will always be there, i think he's insane to be with me. that im pretty messed up person, and always will be. but i love him to bits and i couldnt imagine if i lost him. telling bec about him she recons im so lucky to have such a wonderful guy (a rare thing she says)
anyway enough rambling for today my minds about to burst.


i will never drink again urghhhh

paramore

I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on

So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong
Cause I won't stop holding on.

This is an emergency
So are you listening?

And I can't pretend that I don't see this

It's really not your fault
That no one cares to talk about it,
Talk about it

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
(When it deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive

So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again

I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency

And you do your best to show me love,
but you don't know what love is.

So are you listening?
So are you watching me?

Well I can't pretend that I don't see this

It's really not your fault
That no one cares to talk about it,
Talk about it

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
(When it deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive

These scars, they will not fade away.

No one cares to talk about it, talk about it

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
(When it deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive

running from reality

lately the idea of running has been constantly on my mind. i think the idea of escaping reality is appealing to me at the moment, because to face reality is the real challenge. if you sit down and think of all the challenges you are faced with in every day life, you start to wonder what the use of it all is. but i think without these challenges you can never grow, never develop who you are. right now i think of myself as a timid little being that hasnt grown into my full potential. i know i can be happy. i know i can be "sucessful" etc, but the whole problem is to do so i must find the confidence within myself.
i said to someone i want to be happy for them and its true. i think to be happy for oneself is great and all, i think to be happy for yourself should be one initiative. but for me my family and friends are what makes me happy. if things are going right in my life its all well and good, but for things to be well for those around me i think that is what truely makes me happy. its like the whole cycle thing, if im happy but those around me arent then i become unhappy. so i think my happiness comes from others. if i was able to get away and make myself better then i would... trust me its something i really want. but what about when i get back? will i be able to handle things better? i know quite a few people would probably say yes i would be able to cause i have a clearer head. reality will still be there, no matter how much i try and escape it. and the more i do try and escape it the worse off i am. like once ive had a taste of it ill want it more.

a saying ive found is :
"i dont run away from a challenge because i am afraid. instead i run towards it because the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath your foot" - nadia comaneci.
and i guess the past few months ive been trying to do that. that i face things instead of turning and running because im sick of being that person. but i am human sometimes i do get overwhelmed, and yesterday i did that. i "gave in" and wanted to bail. i even came close to packing up the car and driving and never stopping. instead i drove to shellharbour harbour and sat there for over an hour and i came to one conclusion:

i dont want to be this person anymore.

i dont want to be the person that is depressed, and that gets overwhelmed. i need to be organised and in control. and im determined to do so.

im determined to stay because thats the real challenge, running is the easy option!!

dwellings of a wondering mind

im really starting to wonder whether i am crazy. if im not crazy there is something truely wrong with me. i have an addiction. i know it kind of sounds like "hi im emma and im an alcoholic" but its not that. i think im addicted to other peoples company. or certain peoples company. like if it was up to me id spend my time with friends and dave. like id never let them out of my site type of thing. id love to live in a house with a group of my friends, just so i knew id see them every day or so. see im crazy!!!

i know theres certain people that would love to tell me that i am. that they would LOVE to point out the fact that im demented in the head... i think id believe them if they told me too.

im confused, im meant to be happy. im at uni, i have an awesome boyfriend, im not sick and theres nothing that bad in my life. but there is like this black gloom hanging over me. whenever i get a free moment lately all i can do is almost cry thinking of everything. and the one thing that goes through my head is "youre crazy em!" and the more i think it the more i actually believe it.

im really considering going to get something to eat or drink... but it means ill need to get money out for parking :( ah well ill figure that out later i guess.
anyway im going to go dont know how im going to spend the next 55mins before history tut .... probably trying to keep my mind of the fact that i could just go home....

late entry

i wrote this yesterday havent gotten around to posting it:

Im sitting alone at uni… again, and my mind is whirling as usual. I kind of wonder if a person was left to their own thoughts for so long would they go crazy? Cause Im sure im almost there. Lately all ive done is think. Think about my life, people in it, why I act the way I do, why they act the way they do… its never ending. Every situation I am presented with its like I analyse it. Usually I analyse it the wrong way but im still constantly thinking of it.
I know that I can be so much more organized then I am lately, I just wish the motivation behind it was there. I wish I could wake up in the morning and go “ok, I am ready for this day” instead I have this sinking feeling that im going to forget almost everything, and my stomach through the whole day is turning with worry because of it. The only thing I think about is my bed.
I think ive become “depressed” again, and I gotta wonder whether chronic depression can last for years… because if so… they got it right with me!

sorry will always be the hardest word

last night i realised ive been turning into the type of person i dont want to be, ive been saying some pretty hurtful stuff, and even though some might not think i am i can be a very very hurtful person.
yesterday in sociology tutorial we talked about depression, for like half the class. about the causes and effects of it. the things they were saying really got to me and i couldnt take much more so i got picked up early. but from there i couldnt pick myself up. there was this feeling, a feeling that wouldnt go away. and when i got home and mum started to talk to me i snapped. i know that she probably didnt deserve what i did but i cant seem to say sorry. ive tried a few times but i dont know what is stopping me. maybe if i say sorry im giving in? can anyone help me with this??

i am so grateful for my friends and dave sometimes, i know that they would be there if i needed them, and same with my family. but what i want to know... is how can i get better? ive been "depressed" for so long, and i dont want it to continue, but i dont wanna walk around like a zombie.

meh

ok im sitting in a cafe at uni (surprise surprise) after having something to eat and drink im feeling a lot better then i was say half hour ago. im really loving being at uni, i love the environment and the subjects are really interesting, but so far sociology is the only subject im finding hard to sit through. my teacher is so boring to listen to.
my history tutor reminds me of the bat in anatasia which makes me laugh, my philosophy tutor reminds me of a friend Mitch, he acts and talks exactly like him! my french teachers dont remind me of anyone theyre so unique, and my philosophy lecturer is so cool. i love that lecture just cause he makes things seem so simple when he talks.
the only problem im having with everything is juggling work and uni. its only been like 2 weeks and already im feeling overloaded. i know its my own fault. i need work to make money (Der) and university has been like my dream for so long, i dont wanna give it up.so juggling is going to be the necessity for the next ...3 years. sigh.
work is going better then it was, i have a routine down pat now. especially now that im on so many opens. im getting a lot quicker with putting everything away, which i think ashley is grateful for. though in a way i dont really mind what ashley thinks when it comes to me working. lol.
i should really be doing my homework now, but i have like 3 hours to go so i think i can afford to ramble on this for a short time.
one issue i really need to address (haha so formal!) is the fact i can now just pull my work pants straight off without undoing them... slightly worrying. im thinking a few new pairs of pants are in order for work. they were frustrating me so much walking to class and i couldnt change them to like 3 classes later...i dont mind losing weight and getting fit and all, but its just annoying that i cant keep at the same weight. cause the changing in weight means new clothes= more money!
ok so this blog thing started out as a kind of intellectual kind of blog, now has really turned into my rambling...
in philosophy today it was on how in extreme situations usuing ethical morals etc, and i really think thats a load of bull. in a situation (extreme or not) you use your intiatives and rely on your own morals in order to acess the right option to take. like the example of being in war, you want to survive it isnt about whether you should do this cause this ethical theory says you should. you do what you have to get out of there, and get the most people out alive.
thats my view anyway.
enough rambling time for homework!

intimacy

lately Ive been wondering about why humans crave intimacy. like everyone wants someone to be there for them, mostly in different ways. but in short they want to let someone else in, let them know something about themselves so they can be close. but why? why is it that humans are designed to want someone else?
im sitting in the loungeroom waiting to go to work on a sunday morning at 7am (urgh) and i cant help but wonder why it is that humans do the things they do. why do we sleep? why do we eat? why is it that when a person doesnt get much sleep or has a "bad night sleep" that they feel this way? lol.
i have had one coffee in the past week and no V, which could explain why ive been so tired. but im still not sleeping, which makes me wonder whether i should just go back on the caffaine lol. some nights i get the best night sleep, but the next i have the worst i cant seem to have a middle ground.
anyway i better get to work. sigh...

tiredness

lately ive been wondering whether i have something wrong... im always so tired. like today i worked from 6-11 and i feel like sleeping the rest of the day. whats wrong with me i wonder?? im sure people would say cause i dont excerise but geeze, they obviously arent with me every single day, i know being back at uni im defintly doing exercise. im surprised i havent already lost half my weight. and the amount of running i do at work... i dont really get the time or energy to go for a walk or anything relaxing like that. but the i do do exercise. so i know its not that. i just wish i could understand it. i know im tired because im sick. thats for sure. but today i finally feel better. my head isnt as sore, i can sorta breathe through my nose and well ive only sneezed like 5 times lol.
tonight im going out for dinner WOOT! im really looking forward to it. i get to spend time with my boyfriend, my best girl friend and best guy friend :D gonna be awesome!
lately ive seen how much my music taste has changed, i love songs like jungle beat, oh my god, brother and when you listen to them you can see that they all sound similar. im in love with paramore too. i love being able to say to people i can listen to anything, but i have my favourite bands too. like you cant listen to everything all the time.
anwyay this will be a short entry because i wanna do some things.

the beginning

I decided that instead of writing to just one person all the time that maybe I should start a blog. Write about the random crap that comes into my head on a public place and then anyone who is actually interested in hearing what I have to say can have a look.
First of all what I want to know is why the university cannot figure out what to do about the stupid parking? They have come up with this brilliant plan called “car-pooling” but when I was searching for a car park yesterday, in a rampage I guess you could call it, there were more than 50 car parks empty because of the car-pooling. So, why don't they open up those car parks for those who need it throughout the day? If say by 10am the car park isn’t full, let someone else take that place. Whatever they do, they don't need to lessen the car parks that are already there, they need to make more. They need to take away some of the teachers car parks that aren’t being used and make those into paid car parks.
Another thing I want to know is why they can’t make an easier way of sitting through lectures. In my last lecture no matter how I tried I was almost falling asleep. Yes, that may not be because of the class it may be because I NEED sleep, but still. They need to make the rooms a little more inviting, the lighting in the rooms seem to WANT to make the people fall asleep.
All I know is that I am over being sick. It hasn't even been a week, and I can’t stand being awake and feeling like this. My brain can hardly work, and when it does its on random crap. My body is aching and I just feel so down. The things that people find easy in everyday life to me at the moment take a huge effort. But that just may be me complaining. What is so wrong with complaining though? Why is it seen as a taboo? Like, if you hear someone complaining your immediate reaction would be “sigh, get over it!” but why is that? Why is it that in our society, being upset about something is wrong? Yes, everyone should be happy, but if everyone walked around smiling and laughing the world would probably fall apart. Thus, why is it so bad for a person to complain about things in their lives that causes distress or hardship? I’m complaining about being sick at the moment because I can’t believe it, and I just want to go away. Plus there have been a few people I know that have given me advice on how to get better due to my complaining. So thus using a negative in a positive way 
Destiny- a word that people frown upon because they see it as airy-fairy. But lately this word seems to be part of my everyday vocabulary, mainly because I want to know who is deciding on mine. I have had some people lately thinking that they can control it, e.g. parents, boyfriend’s parents. I just want to know if anyone can tell me how exactly I am meant to do what I wish, and what I want out of my life but at the same time not hurt those who think they can decide what my destiny will be. Maybe another way to say it is that they have this idea of me. This “innocence” because I am their daughter or my boyfriend’s parents because he is their son, but this idea of me may not be who I am. The expectation put by others distinguishes their judgments of their behavior and the views of that person when they go against it. Example being that if I went to do a certain thing, such as go out partying but my parents don't agree but I go ahead anyway. This would cause their view of me to change, they would be upset. My main problem with this situation is that maybe that is what I want to do, that is my desire. To achieve my desires I must hurt my parents.
Man can I babble on about crap  so now I have half a hour before my next class, but really all Im wanting is to be at home in bed. These early mornings and late nights are getting to me. Ive undertaken an experiment of not having caffeine (like coffee or v) for 5 days, and I have realised… stuff the side effects I need the caffeine to live this kind of life!